FROM THE BOOK OF MICROSOFT

And LO! The Lord of the OS did come down among His sheep and He did sayeth, Thou shalt pay my prophet, Bill Gates, and he will deliverith unto you my product. I am Win95, your GUI. Thou shalt not have false GUI's on machines before me.

And the Lord said, "16 bit applications are evil! I am sorry I ever created them. I shall destroy them all and start over. Thou shalt all buy new computers."

And the prophet Intel came forward and said, "But Lord, what about backwards compatibility? What about the tribes of 8086 and 80286 and 80386?"

And Lo! The Lord became angry and said, "Compatibility is irrelevant. You will be assimilated." And the consumers gathered around Bill Gates and the tower of Microsoft, and they asked, "Prophet, how much must we spend on salvation? Seven times our investment?"

And the prophet Bill Gates turned to the crowd and he said unto them, "Nay, consumers, you must not spend seven times your investment, but rather seventy times your investment. Only then shall you be saved." And the consumers did as they were told. But the product did not work, and they grew angry, and they cried out to the Lord, "Lord, we have done as you asked, but the product does not work! Our machines, they run slow! Our applications, they do not run."

And the Lord said unto them, "I tell you this; It is easier for Alice Cooper to enter the gates of heaven than for a Pentium to run Windows95." And as the masses came forward, I saw inscribed upon their heads W95, the Number of the Bill.

And the prophet Bill Gates, for that is who it must have been, he raised his right hand, and broke the first seal, saying, "Behold, the seal of Micorosoft. By breaking of this seal you are bound unto whatever the contract within may say."

And as the seal was broken, all the great empires around the world were set upon with famine and floods and swarms of bugs like never seen before and great anguish befell them all. And LO! The prophet Bill held up the scroll and said, "Behold, the second seal! I shall not break it today, but rather I shalt break it soon, like perhaps next week, or maybe the week thereafter. Thou shalt wait expectantly for its breaking and shalt not produce any other work until that time shall come.

 

 

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter: <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter <ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than thedinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size.

Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.